18 Million

With 18 million dollars, I would be brave and strong;
I'd tell people what I thought; I'd tell people what was wrong.

Danger of Opening Old Wounds

I long for the past pleasure without the past pains;
Where the darkness disolves and the love remains;
You are so beautiful to me, your light is sunshine;
So I see no single flaw in your divine design;
The insane never learn, though we lament;
the passing of time on this firmament,
and the life long ambition to try it again:
to hold you forever and always - amen.

Niches

I love the different talents and niches unique to each human. They unite at the same time they separate. Is this an example of irony?

Finding Sacred Purpose With a Profane Worldview

"Do you know what the scariest thing is? To not know your place in this world, to not know why you're here. That's... it's just an awful feeling." -Elijah Price "Unbreakable"

"Now that we know who you are, I know who I am... So many times I questioned myself. SO many sacrifices, just to find you."

Favorite Things

In keeping with the "counting your blessings" and "what to do when your feelings sad" motiff, I thought it would be nice to come up with my favorite things.

Being Silly
Climbing Trees
Compliments and Positive Feedback
The Female Body
Sharing and Brainstorming Ideas
Showing Off and Sharing My Skills
Writing

Black Bean/Red Pepper/Cilantro Salad
Mashed Potatoes
McDonalds Salads

Blessings

The thing about counting my blessings that I like the most is that I end up with a surprisingly large list. I think about it being akin to the tootsie pop comercial "Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?" - There are just too many to count.

But let us try all the same shall we?

Physical Health: I am able bodied. I can walk and run long enough distances. When I move around, I feel joy. I am comfortable moving around, standing up, sitting down, jumping, sliding around my hard wood floors (using my socks like skates).

Spiritual Health: I hunger for growth. I take joy from helping others. I am so thankful that I have good within me and evil. That they are both there. I've got a "little devil" and a "little angel" side of me that promote healthy internal dialog to know when what I am doing is right or wrong. Many times I choose "wrong," but I becoming more aware of ways to make better choices and pick lesser wrongs and, occasionally, actual "rights."

Economics: My only debt is my house right now; I have an emergency safety net in the bank. I have a monthly budget. I am putting %6 away into a 401K. I am thankful that my employer treats me very well, paying me a good amount to do things I love and providing healthcare benefits as well.

Friends: I am thankful for discovering a variety of new friends, and rediscovering old ones in the last six months. I am thankful that I meet with these friends on a regular basis and have a terrific time.

My House: I am thankful to have a home that provides me so much space; it is tremendous to live in a quiet neighborhood.

Romance: I am thankful that I have a spouse who can be strong when I am weak, and whom I can be strong for when she is weak.

Got Inspiration?

Nothing brings more satisfaction to me than to come to the rescue; to show off; to use my skills in such a way that impress and make someone's day.

Yesterday before my shift at work, I was writing (probably on this blog). A coworker was frustrated with a system change that had taken place over the previous evening. After fifteen minutes of voicing her anger and resentment (and apparently having been doing little else) I had devised a solution - walked over to her computer, had her execute my solution, and all was good with the universe once again. I was inspired as I got to flex my muscles in a manner of speaking.

(I wish I could say that I did this out of empathy, but truly I was getting bummed out myself listening to her and needed relief myself)

This story ties in well with something I read in the book "The Structure of Delight" yesterday as well. I'm not sure if I fully understand it; this is deep stuff, and as an agnostic I'm not sure of anything really. :) It talks about change, chaos and order. The author makes a profound point that I like very much, that change is not entropy (that is, orderliness to disorderliness) but one kind of order to another. A person may have better luck understanding the new order than relying on their own muscle to set things back to the way things were...

Fullness

I feel so full inside,
when I think about the things I've missed -
unscathed - my existance is miraculous.

I feel the tears of joy well up,
when I think about those who've died -
gone and done - they've been all they could be.

I feel inspired,
when I feel all alone in a crowded room -
delusional - I imagine they might be looking for me..

The Beastman

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

Some of our deepest desires wallow with the carnal caustic beast; down beneath underneath. A longing cries out, muted by prison walls of civilized expectations. With savage howls, the beastman pines and laments at his confinement. He is heir to the throne become the second born son, the runt. For the good of the Kingdom, he must be laid impotent.