ThePresentBen

Belesprit

2008-04-04T03:59:00.000-07:00

I've been reminded I haven't updated my blog in some time. Amazing how we get distracted in this world. Too many distractions is a continuuing theme with me - especially since my last post.

I have moved to Chicago. It is a good place. I love the suburbs.

I am overwhelmed by all there is to do - and yet I spend most of my time doing the same sorts of things I used to do...heheheheh Very glad I have at least a couple friends from before my move with whom I can share my loves and woes.

The internet has shown me additional wonders... such as on demand television shows.

My new years resolutions are (and these are something I thnk I can get done by July): 100 workouts, 20 books, and 30 minute/day average reading.

This last month was a good one for meeting new people. I've met nearly ten new gaming friends.

Climbing Through Secret Doors

2007-07-16T05:21:00.001-07:00

I'm trying to get from one house to another. I go to the closet and there is a trapdoor up to a storage attic. I climb up. There is another trapdoor to another storage attic. I climb through several levels of this. There are boxes and much clutter as one might expect in an attic or garage everywhere I go.

Motherhood Dream

2007-06-05T09:01:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night where somehow my wife and my father were both out of the picture; dead or far away never to return and my mother and I took care of one another. There was a major theme of taking care of one another. We shared a bed and snuggled. Looking at it now that seems weird, but it seemed perfectly natural.

Some Dreams

2007-06-04T11:22:00.000-07:00

I had a nightmare last night; first one I had in a long time. I returned to work from vacation and found that while I was away my coworkers and bosses had discovered I just wasn't doing a good enough job and recalled my old boss and my old team mates to come in and clean up my mess. I was unprepared to help them and everyone expressed their disappointment.

I had a dream where I could make things come to me telekinetically.

A post

2006-11-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

1. Do we live outside of our bodies? Do we have a soul, and if so, does the soul take up space? Does it exist or overlay on top of the more tangible physical space? Should we believe people who say they have had out of body experiences? If so, wouldn't it be neat if everyone could learn to do that at will? For one thing, the blind could be made to see.

2. Can we corrupt our souls? If so, can we corrupt them after we are dead? Are we somehow stuck with the state of our souls at the time of our deaths? Is there reincarnation? Do animals have souls? Do insects? When a spider is squished is there a soul released to reincarnation?

3. My first memory is when I was 4 years old and said to myself "I am 4 years old and I just climbed a tree."

4. I examine my blood vessels sometimes... I look at my hands from time to time. When I'm typing like I am today it is fascinating to watch the darker tint through my skin pop up and move about with the tendons. When I flex my middle finger on my right hand one of my blood vessels moves to the side noticablly and when I unflex it returns to the original position. Its macabre and fascinating at the same time. It is so easy to imagine I have a skeleton underneath - that I am frail and very much an "object" that will work until it wears out eventually.. It reminds me of the "terminator" movies with the flesh outside and metal inside. Some people are like that. Maybe I'm one of them. Some people are the opposite too... Where they project coldness on the outside but have a soul on the inside.. But perhaps there is a layered affect - flesh(soul), bone(object), flesh(soul)...

5. I think a cluttered house provides for a cluttered mind. At least for me. It is amazing the anxiety I get when there is stuff strewn about in uneven piles. When I am done picking up the floor I feel such a sense of relief. Less is more. Space is important. It is so freeing to lay on a vacuumed carpet and just sprawl out all my limbs. Somewhat like making a snow angel in the crisp clean slate snow. I see that in my love of paper also - an empty canvas empowering me to create what I want without messing up or interfering with someone else's projects. I'd love to sprawl out with others. There's something about eventually creating the art of life together that has appeal for me. There is so much conflict and defensiveness... How beautiful it would be to have harmony. There is beauty in conflict, don't get me wrong, but I grow tired of obstacles and obstructions and would love to see two streams drawing into one another...coalescing(sp?) into one to create something beautiful. Perhaps that is how people see having children - and perhaps that's how I see it as well - a beautiful creation where the artists involved can either work together or work at odds with one another - willing for it to go in one direction or another....like in a coloring book...one colorer wanting the picture to be green and another wanting it blue and unless they can get along and work together, the picture ends up looking and being a mess. And most coloring is pretty permanent.

Haiku for Motion

2006-09-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

Moved by Gravity
Collision Course To Impact
Shattered Ricochet

One to another
Inevitability
Boundless Energy

FLY THE FLAG - Bah

2006-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

I got this email; a chain email really, saying I should make it my duty to display the American flag on September 11th this year.

BAH

How does it honor families to wave a flag? Is losing 3000 people to terrorism bad? Sure. But why should I promote my country more because people died?

How about we honor the families by lighting a candle? Or perhaps finding a desktop theme showing the world trade center...

Or how about this? How about people pick a day to NOT speed? In 2004, 13,192 lives were lost due to speed-related accidents. This is happening every year people. Why don't we remember that first before we start remembering some terrorist attack that happened once five years ago.

If you ask me if we are going to do something to remember 9/11, maybe we should spend the day pondering why it is that certain individuals are fanatic enough to exchange themselves for a building? I'm sick to death of "because they are crazy" or "because they hate us." Neither of these answers are sufficient. Neither of these helps prevent these kinds of attacks in the future. Maybe the president is right to take over countries with fanatic friendly leaders, but I'm not going to go all ga ga over America simply because some people died. I abhor that in our mourning that some people are so manipulative or desparate as to use the death of individuals as a political rally call to promote the status quo of the nation and in blindly following its management.

2006-08-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder what it's all about;
traditional answers fill me with doubt;
Who was Jesus anyway?
Should I or how should I pray?

Death's mysteries frighten;
while the age lines tighten;
The missionaries all disagree,
as how to give me the third degree.

I don't think I have a problem trusting God,
but I do mistrust man's desparate facade;
so many snake oil salesman with their inside exclusive,
to contradictory truths to make knowledge elusive.

I want to do right and have peace of mind,
and I don't think it's so easy to find;
for Jesus, Buddha and other prophets too,
they rejected the mainstream before they Knew.

2006-08-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

It is sometimes in the morning under a hot shower that I get my best ideas. That's when I'll figure out the answer to something..though usually when I'm not thinking about it. I'll strain on some question of interest...STRAIN!! and finally give up. Then in the shower the next morning, its like the hot vapors loosen some of the gray matter brain paths, freeing the correct answer that was always there.

I think some people are like hot showers that way.

2006-08-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Slowing down and speeding up can both be insults.
They can both be misconstrued.
When you don't go the same pace as your neighbor:
he may think his own pace must be faulty,
or he may think that YOU think his own pace must be faulty,
this brings up feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or anger.

Sweat

2006-08-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

Sweaty women are quite attractive. There is some kind of vibrant sheen that hits me at a primal level. I think its my genes screaming, "copulate with this one! she is strong! Make good next generation!"

My genes are weird that way...They grunt like cavemen while using words like copulate and generation...

To write

2006-08-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

Enchanting fantasy realms
So much fictional delight
To waste one's time
in such pursuits
separates us
from real
people

Dreamares

2006-08-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

A dream of pillage
The nightmare of pleasure sin
To control others.

To hurt for vileness
To entice to wickedness
Wake up in a sweat.

Fantastical

2006-08-14T06:04:00.000-07:00

I have a high opinion of fantasy.
Rather than hear about mundane squabbles and petty bickering I just sigh and go back into my world where people get along.

It does make empathy more difficult.
On the other hand, I don't particpate or provoke this kind of bickering either.
The better me will communicate more of this...

Instead of just going to another room, which is what I usally do, I should say "please stop this bickering; are these matters really worth tainting yourselves and those about whom you discuss by reaffirming the mistakes of others? Are you helping the situation or exacerbating it?"

The Muse

2006-08-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

A floating feather
dances with the winds of chance
led by chaos breeze.

Old Habits

2006-08-12T05:27:00.000-07:00

Bad habits are like grooves worn in time after time.

In the wilderness of possible action, we develop trails from the morning to the evening. We wake up one day and realize the rut is so large that to take a different path seems like a monumental task. We have created a ten foot deep chasm. To climb out seems very difficult indeed.

The Most Important

2006-08-11T05:19:00.000-07:00

God fearing windy last night.

I wonder; to whom do I pray?

There are people who have an answer to this.

Different people; different answers.

I don't trust them.

I think they are liars..

Not the terrible mean variety -

but the scared-of-the-wind variety like me.

Am I more stoic or more frightened not to believe them?

Meme-Ries

2006-08-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

Purpose Question

My purpose in life here and now is free myself from the mental and emotional shackles and chains that ensnare me. I picture myself as the ghost from A Christmas Carol, dragging these self-inflicted limitations that constrict, chafe, bruise and than tear at my spirit. Only then can I do anything else.

What is really interesting to me is that these chains and shackles are interwoven in those of loved ones.. So to free myself I need to free my loved ones a bit as well, but my focus should be on freeing myself, not on freeing my loved ones at this point.

It is like the instructions the flight attendants give - in case the cabin loses air pressure, put the air mask on yourself FIRST and THEN put it on your dependants..

What would be your ideal breakfast, lunch and dinner? Assume you can eat anything without fear of being bad for your health.

2006-08-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

Another Meme

On a cruise ship with a cabin to myself; new people to visit with all the time, all you can eat food, plenty of scenery, with servants to make my bed; and I could write great novels without workaday distraction.

What is the most beautiful thing you've ever witnessed?

2006-08-03T06:54:00.000-07:00

meme link

Question Meme- Revisit

With the question Mem, you read a question on someone's site then answer it on your own with a link back to the question. Then you can add a question of your own.

I am answering another question(s).

A bully came looking for a fight with me in jr. high school. He said mean things designed to intimidate and agitate me into a fight situation. I walked away. He pursued me, continuuing his verbal assault. I explained I did not wish to fight and continueed by retreat. It seemed that the entire school wished me fight and so surrounded me - it seems the entire school yard worth of students crowded at my back so I could no longer escape. I waited until there was no place I could go to reatreat - I punched the fellow in the nose... and then ran like hell past him. As there was no one obstructing my escape at his back, I was able to run all the way to the principal's office and explain the situation. Although the other fellow never touched me, and I had punched him, he was suspended and I was not. I felt great pride in sticking with my ideals and sticking to within the law.

I went to church camp one year and had a great time playing, learning and making friends. My cabin mates were all fanciful dreamers like me and we spent a great deal of time wishing and making vast promises for how our lives could be; how we would be successful and break convention through invention and outside the box thinking. We discussed methods of time travel and shrink rays and so forth. I believe this was my one true interaction with what I would call "the occult" as we pretended to be posessed by people from the past. It got out of hand when my colleague would not admit to be faking and claimed to be Einstein, though he couldn't speak another language or engage in mathematics or physics conversations... The attempted deception affected me deeply, "hardenning my heart" to religion and to miracle workers.

My first girlfriend dumped me. I was distraught for weeks; months; maybe years (perhaps I am still distraught by it to this day). Part of me knows how much of a jerk I had been - so thoughtless and rude at that age - and it saddens me today when I see how much of that jerk I can still be. She cheated on me, and that hurt; but as I couldn't or wouldn't give her what she needed, I blame myself for the break up... I also realize now that the relationship was very much focused on the physical side - is it possible that sexual relations can be so good, so deleriously tempting, that you can never have a real nurturing loving relationship? I can see why so many religions and philosophies teach that a person should abstain from sexual relations - either altogether or to wait until the more difficult habits of love can be formed before exploring the quick and easy physical path.

Of course I don't know that these examples represent pinacles or key moments in my life; but they certainly are the most memorable for me. I wonder if it says something that all of these take place in the first half of my life up to this point... Certainly I've had ups and downs at later points; but perhaps those successes and failures only serve to strengthen the joys and sorrows formed in these earlier years.

New Question: Where do you go when you need to be alone?

Hagling

2006-08-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

I like to haggle. I don’t do it much. When I do; though; I empower myself.

I had a chance this week. My landlords wanted to increase my rent $50 unless I signed a 1 year lease. I haggled. So now I’ve got a 1 year lease; but I’m paying $10 less than I have been paying. It was beautiful. Through reason I was able to take charge of my position as a stable business partner and save myself $120 all while writing great prose in the process:

Good afternoon,
We hear what you are saying and can understand your initial hesitancy with regards to negotiating our new lease. We had based our original arrangement on a shorter lease where we were new, unestablished, renters. As we have proved ourselves as patient, stable business partners who meet their commitments consistently, and as we would be willing to commit to a full 12-month period, I hope there is room for negotiation in the monthly amount. I do realize that inflation and property taxes have increased over the course of the year, but surely this amount does not exceed the amount of good faith my family has secured with you. Would you consider an offer of $xxx a month?

2006-07-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

I thought I would do this question meme to see how it gets linked around... Read a question on someone's blog then answer it on your own with a link to the blog reference for those who are curious to see the question you are answering..

Question Meme

Answer: One early Saturday morning when I was 15 I bicycled up a great hill and through vast backroads until finally arriving at my first girlfriend's door to make love all day.

Question for you:**Under what circumstances would you abandon the life you know and all in it**

Creativity Writing and Attention

2006-07-31T13:32:00.000-07:00

I love attention.

Of course the only time I write in my blog is when someone reminds me that they might read it!!!

I'm enjoying my creative writing course. I get to put my creativity to good use and have others pay attention to my work.

I wonder if there is enough attention in the world to satiate me.

Jumbles

2006-05-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

A barn of pleasures
a watermellon of pains
juxtaposition

a house of chickens
a rose of seedlessness
feign disposition

routine surprises
the doctor will hear you now
always say always

Lust of Spring

2006-04-21T11:57:00.000-07:00

Howling hounds inhabit my heart,
in the winter they whimper and bemoan their slumber,
but with the thaw, they shake off their lethargy -
to frenzy and fantasize about friends and foes;

it is hotter in spring than the summer in my thoughts:
with that wave of hope stirring up sparks of fancy,
igniting a lustful sordid blaze that stirs the soul to action,
"Chase!" "Pounce!" "Roll About!" and "Mate!" howls the beasts.

Imagination Destination

2006-04-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

Kids are wonderful -
this weekend, I appraised their
creativity;

They were excited,
even the middle schoolers!
their hope inspired me;

Paradoxically,
though I love all the children,
I had myself snipped;

Life goes by quickly;
"HEY!" what happened to my day?
and so I hold on -

"Wait!" I say to time;
"I'm not finished with that hour!
Give it back to me!"

So I am behind,
and I will do anything
to put on the brakes;

I need to catch up
and make myself something be-
fore I reproduce.

The Soul Defined

2006-04-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

The soul is that part of someone that is invulnerable.

Thankful for

2006-04-05T11:25:00.000-07:00

I'm thankful for

my brother, who left me four messages while my phone was out of commission, reaching out to me to see where I was.

my wife, who tries so hard to be a part of my life.

my memories, that remind me of less lonely times.

my fantasies, that medicate me in my loneliness.

Attachment

2006-04-04T07:54:00.000-07:00

Beauty Hovering
A watchful eye while I sleep
loving protection.

Connection with me
think of me; think of you
obsessive loving

A wide awake dream:
she is there for me always,
fantasy of mine.

Kid Memories

2006-03-16T11:24:00.000-08:00

I remember as a kid finding that everything took way too long... It was always a long way off to anything fun... Birthdays, Christmas, school starting/ending...

I'm surprised that my memories of actually went on in those days is so scatterbrained. How can it be that I don't remember if I walked to school or bussed? Or who greeted me when I got home? Maybe it just wasn't important, but I wonder how much of my past I've lost!

Not only am I "heavy" into nostalgia, but I wonder what lessons I could learn from that which I can no longer recall!

Management Changes

2006-03-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

Management pulled me and the other bastard children who report directly to a director but shouldn't into a meeting. We are now going to report to a coordinator... This is more in keeping with the rest of the department. So that's great!

The director is really into racing and I played with asking him questions early in our supervisor/peon relationship about the car he races and about car racing in general.

During the meeting he asked if we had any questions. I asked the director, "so do this mean you aren't going to be doing my evaluation this year?" He said, "yep." So I said, "good, I don't need to suck up to you anymore. NASCAR SUCKS!!!"

I'm a Dreamer

2006-03-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

I discovered another opportunity for improvement in my personality...

I know someone who doesn't like "Imagine" by John Lennon and I know another someone who doesn't like "If I had a Hammer" performed by Peter Paul and Mary...

I'm not sure but I think I will never be close to these people because I believe they are just plain evil - I mean its not the musical qualities they dislike but the message..

Imagine's message is that we can all get along if we get rid of our attachments. Duh!

If I had a Hammer's message is that we should do what's right day and night to bring up our community and neighbors - to defend them and protect them from danger - to work towards unity and love...

How can someone not like these messages?

Basically I am assuming based on my conversations with these people that they are against these because they are anti-hippie. I wonder how many things that are "good for me" or "great ideas" I reject because they have somehow been associated with something I have let myself become intolerant against...

i.e. I don't like jewelers, jewelers promote giving, therefore I don't give as much... Doesn't seem right does it?

Fly by Wire

2006-02-27T11:36:00.000-08:00

I had a dream the other day where I was flying. That's not unusual. In fact, I'd say one out of five of the dreams I remember have me supermanning it over the mighty skyscrapers of Boise-Metropolis.

But the dream the other day was unique in that my method of propulsion was revealed to me: wires. If you are familiar with the original superman movies, you may well know that characters were "made to fly" by having large rigs set up with wires on them. Amazing stuff. Apparently in my dream, that's how I flew as well.. Now I didn't get to see them, but I can just imagine these HUGE rigs extending far above the city scape, there JUST so that BEN could fly around.

I've been interested in figuring out "what dreams mean" lately - and I think this dream tells me that I think the world exists to meet my whims. Is that an enlightened point of view or what!! Another thing of note - I want to fly high up in the sky but somehow that search has got me all wrapped up in other things!

The Star Trek Gospels - Metamorphisis

2006-02-26T07:30:00.000-08:00

The star trek episode "Metamorphisis" shows the interaction betweeen the important human concepts of companionship, love, sacrifice, freedom and loneliness.

A great man honored for his life long achievement is dying of old age and goes out far away from his people to die with his dignity intact. In his journey, an energy being wrecks his ship, marooning him in a new land, but restoring his health and youth. In this new place the only beings are "the man" and "the companion". After more than a century alone with "the companion" he tells the creature that he will die of loneliness if he does not have other beings like him for companions, hoping it will let him leave.

The companion finds another ship, and maroons another six people on the planet to alleviate the man's loneliness. But these are people with duties to perform and have with them an official with a diesase the companion cannot heal. The companion foils their every attempt to escape. Eventually they find a way to communicate with "the companion" on its level and find that it is "in love" with the man. The group explains to "the companion" that humans need freedom, not just love and further, that the man and it can never be together in the way the companion really wants because it is not human.. At the same time, the official is about to die and is overcome that she has wasted her life in her duty to the expense of never having loved.

The companion joins with the official, giving up its powers and immortality, to save the official's life and so that together they will have a chance at true love, if even for but a moment. The man offers to take her with him, to explore the universe with him. Her power ends in this land, though, and so the man stays with the woman/companion to live out the rest of his days alone with her in love. The group is freed to go but take with them the wisdom that there are more important things than duty.

The companion is lonely... That is why it brings the man to it. The man is lonely, and that is why the companion brings more men. We find out that what loneliness really is is a longing to love. She longs to love, to be someone's true companion, but does not understand what that means. She knows only that her emptiness is filled by the man. After 150 years she finally finds out that the MAN'S emptiness is not filled by her. To love him, she cannot be his jailor, no matter what riches or youth she provides.

2006-02-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

Isn't it amazing what we can learn about ourselves when we examine our advesaries? What is it we don't like about them? What is it they don't like about us? What puts the two of you at odds?

2006-02-23T11:04:00.000-08:00

I aim to please, but there are too many targets.

Cereal Killer

2006-02-23T06:46:00.000-08:00

Splendid Shredded Wheat
How fibrous are your spoonfulls
Part of a breakfast complete
With splenda - synthetically little delightfuls.

The Squirrel and the Moon

2006-02-22T06:45:00.000-08:00

Once there was a brown squirrel.

He and the other squirrels gathered nuts day by day and every way they kept busy.

After a few seasons, the brown squirrel grew restless and scurried about farther from the trees in which he made his home than ever before; so far, in fact, that he was able to see through the dense canopy to the moon above.

"Oh what a new and wonderous thing!" said the brown squirrel, who staid and played under the moonlight.

The brown squirrel eventually returned to the trees that were his home and the other squirrels asked him where he had been.

"I have been to the moonlight where things are new and wonderous," he said.

The other squirrels were offended. They marked the brown squirrel with tree sap, "Moon! This squirrel belongs here amongst the trees! Do not deceive him with your stellar promises!"

But though the moon waxed and waned, it remained beautiful and the brown squirrel returned to it and staid longer each time.

The other squirrels chitterred and chattered their anger, "Moon!! Moon! You dastardly fellow! Why do you make me so sad?"

The brown squirrel heard his friends and was mad at himself and the moon too. He staid away from the moon and staid in the woods. For the seasons to come he gathered nuts and staid by the trees in which he and his fellow squirrels lived; when he was restless he dreamt of the moonlight and blamed his sad soul on the squirrels around him.

Vane and Vein

2006-02-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

I am getting old
I said, looking at my veins,
Vein, vain and in vain.

Forgiveness and Blame

2006-02-20T07:01:00.000-08:00

I'm re-reading a great book that looks at the question "what is evil?"

Most recently I am reading a chapter that says both parties involved in conflict tend to see the other as evil and themselves as fighting or acting out as a kind of necessity. People could blame themselves or share blame with the other, but this is painful; and to avoid that pain many people (especially those prone to violent or abusive conflict) put the blame label of evil on the other.

For me I find that I cross over between blaming myself for everything and blaming others. I have favorites whom I rarely blame for anything and then there are those whom I am in a habit of placing more than the correct amount of blame.

It is not a fair world with regards to forgiveness by one's neighbors. The first impression I have someone paints my view of them and makes it easier to forgive them or easy to blame them. My impressions only change in moments of stress when the person is again able to prove what kind of person they are.

Is it love that allows us to forgive, or forgiveness that allows us to love?

Forgotten Dreams

2006-02-17T06:42:00.000-08:00

I love dreams and dreaming.

It is amazing how much memory of feelings we can retain despite forgetting all the specifics in dreams; I wonder if that has implications in the world of the awake.

I can remember feelings of love for people whose names I can barely remember and whose faces I cannot begin to remember. These things are just gone forever. Perhaps some of that is retained in our dreamworld. Perhaps the dream that I forgot had the face of someone I forgot and all I have is a vague feeling of love or joy or confusion or whatever else I associated with this forgotten person long ago.

Danger, Stress and Opportunity

2006-02-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

My car broke down the other day. It really is amazing how something like that can point out just how each moment of your work-a-day mundane world revolve around things we take for granted..

My days go like this typically: get up, go to the gym, go to work and eat breakfast in the breakroom, work, each lunch, work, go home late, eat, waste time (er study, thats right, study) and go to bed.

Without a car, this all falls apart.

It also really points out when you don't have many friends!!! I can't imagine asking someone to go out of their way to take me to work. I just don't have any friends I'd feel like asking that of. I'd rather walk. What does that say about me?? What kind of keep-to-myself homicidal freak must that make me!!

The Star Trek Gospels

2006-02-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wonder if I could write a modern age text, a post modern bible, that speaks in alegory like the new and parts of the old testaments...

I think I would start with the gospels according to star trek.

Of course we have the original series...we can call that the old trekstament...

Episodes: The Cage/The Managerie, The Apple, This Side of Paradise, and a few others seem to suggest that humankind really shouldn't live in fantasy worlds and should live off their own work and sweat.

More to follow...

Back to Blog

2006-02-14T06:28:00.000-08:00

Soccer dream.
Out on a field; My legs and arms are exhausted. I push myself towards the ball with the reste of my team and sometimes somehow manage to get there first, but when I kick it or throw it (must be some kind of special soccer game) I feel this ache, this resistance to doing my best work...and it is hard to imagine when I wasn't this exhausted.

I loved what a comment a friend made casually the other day. She talked about wanting to live with her higher self. How awesome is that. My dream might be about finding my higher self.. and how difficult it is sometimes when you aren't calm, when you are exhausted by life and by your own challenges that you become frustrated as though you'll never see your higher self again except in glimpses and sparks of memory and fantasy.

Its so easy to say, "I'll just skip soccer practice today."

Sad For The Blue Bird

2005-08-02T16:04:00.000-07:00

Sad for the blue bird
Who found the plate glass window
And broke his own neck.

Three Dreams

2005-06-09T05:41:00.000-07:00

I am visiting family as a young man; Sharon is a motherly figure without children of her own and her husband is a serious man with glasses (looks like the antagonist in the movie "the terminal"). Sharon and I hug - it is as though she is the mother who has always been childless and I the child who has always been motherless.

My old friend returns and things are as they could have been; a community of closeness.

I am travelling with a niece to somewhere that has a beach and a house to which we have access. The ghost of another young girl, a few years older than the niece, appears to us several times; it is both a scary experience because she is a ghost but also a happy kind of experience as we become friends (the ghost, the niece and I), I am sad when the ghost is gone, and I am very happy/relieved when she appears again.

Shots in the Dark

2005-05-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

A shot in the dark
A doctor with a long tool
Stab me to heal me!

Shoot me up with drugs
Shield me from bacteria
That hides in plain sight.

Oh the health mantra,
Behold! Pill poppers abound!
Thank you, HMO.

The Pits

2005-05-02T06:03:00.000-07:00

As a boy I climbed
Up and down the steep incline
playing with other kids.

We pushed each other
The bigger kids kept me down
Until I gave up.

I ran out of steam
And so I sat in the pit
Resting and waiting.

Eventually
all those bullies departed
and I looked around.

Only I remained;
Tragically, I climbed alone
Relieved but upset.

Happy to be out,
but friendless and defeated,
and it depressed me.

There are other pits,
Even now I am struggling,
will no one help me?

Who won't push me down
and laugh as I fall below;
I'm so pitiful...

An Evening Mantra

2005-04-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

So ends my day.
I did the best that I could do.
With joy I look on tomorrow,
to see the ramifications.

The Superhero's Creed

2005-03-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility, AND
with great weakness must come great forgiveness.

You are also here for a reason.

SO

Use your abilities responsibily,
forgive yourself for your weaknesses,
find out why you are here, AND
be who you are so you can be who you were meant to be.

Dreams: Bamf

2005-03-28T11:10:00.001-08:00

Dreams: Bamf

2005-03-28T11:10:00.000-08:00

Here then there
Never in between
A black cloud and Bamf!
Someplace new.

Conflict Dream

2005-03-25T05:07:00.000-08:00

At my parents.
My friends are all there.
We are supposed to catch a movie.
The group doesn't seem to be moving that direction and I feel they are overstaying their welcome (since this is my parents' place afterall).
Everyone's playing cards. I decide I will play one more game before approaching Chris, who is leading the group somehow. When I do go upstairs to talk to Chris, I see there is a tussel going on - two young men from India (or is it Pakistan?) anyway they are arabic. I manage to break them up. I tell them to sit down with me on the floor and pray. We do so and the violence is curbed for the moment. My mother comes up from downstairs - she is very old. As we are in our moment of prayer, I mouth the words "I am sorry" to her (sorry for everyone overstaying their welcome and without even asking to stay longer)

Relationship Dreams

2005-03-24T06:50:00.000-08:00

One father, he and his loved ones scarred for life; for his first family, abandonment wounds remain; for his second, the burns fused their lives together grotesquely.

One lover, all is well with her family and life; like a shephard and a happy flock; and I am the wolf, licking his lips.

Two of myself, holding hands in the halls at school, gain strength from one another. We overcome our heckler's abuse. We do our own thing and we do it at our own pace.

2005-03-24T06:17:00.000-08:00

Love revolutions
Long scars and binary stars
eliptical orbit. (me)

I reach the bottom of a hill
each time
September
lets go of August
and have to start
pedaling again.
(Arianne Baadsgaard, “Cycles,” New Era, Sept. 2002, 51)

Simply Complex Entertainment

2005-03-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

I would like to climb a tree
but instead I put in another dvd;
I'd love to hang with a friend
but instead I play pretend;
I long to grow closer
but instead I'm a poetry composer.

The Living Force

2005-03-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

Visit your past, but do not dwell there; instead, gather up those most important lessons learned and have them handy to meet the challenges of today. Choose wisely the baggage you take with you; extraneous burdens slow and discourage. (me)

Emptiness As Happiness

2005-03-09T11:48:00.000-08:00

Calmness. Breathing. Life and death in geosynchronous orbit.

Water flow. Water fall. Enjoy the splashes.

Laying down. An earthly spot to sit for a bit.

The sunset, the smile, the warmness that soon passes.

Hope and Faith and Brand New Blue Jeans

2005-03-01T06:25:00.000-08:00

Don't I wish I could feel the way I do while wearing a new outfit. I want people to notice me and see my at my best, and what other way is so simple to achieve that effect?

18 Million

2005-02-25T11:26:00.000-08:00

With 18 million dollars, I would be brave and strong;
I'd tell people what I thought; I'd tell people what was wrong.

Danger of Opening Old Wounds

2005-02-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

I long for the past pleasure without the past pains;
Where the darkness disolves and the love remains;
You are so beautiful to me, your light is sunshine;
So I see no single flaw in your divine design;
The insane never learn, though we lament;
the passing of time on this firmament,
and the life long ambition to try it again:
to hold you forever and always - amen.

Niches

2005-02-24T06:38:00.000-08:00

I love the different talents and niches unique to each human. They unite at the same time they separate. Is this an example of irony?

Finding Sacred Purpose With a Profane Worldview

2005-02-23T11:57:00.000-08:00

"Do you know what the scariest thing is? To not know your place in this world, to not know why you're here. That's... it's just an awful feeling." -Elijah Price "Unbreakable"

"Now that we know who you are, I know who I am... So many times I questioned myself. SO many sacrifices, just to find you."

Favorite Things

2005-02-22T11:58:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the "counting your blessings" and "what to do when your feelings sad" motiff, I thought it would be nice to come up with my favorite things.

Being Silly
Climbing Trees
Compliments and Positive Feedback
The Female Body
Sharing and Brainstorming Ideas
Showing Off and Sharing My Skills
Writing

Black Bean/Red Pepper/Cilantro Salad
Mashed Potatoes
McDonalds Salads

Blessings

2005-02-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

The thing about counting my blessings that I like the most is that I end up with a surprisingly large list. I think about it being akin to the tootsie pop comercial "Mr. Turtle, how many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?" - There are just too many to count.

But let us try all the same shall we?

Physical Health: I am able bodied. I can walk and run long enough distances. When I move around, I feel joy. I am comfortable moving around, standing up, sitting down, jumping, sliding around my hard wood floors (using my socks like skates).

Spiritual Health: I hunger for growth. I take joy from helping others. I am so thankful that I have good within me and evil. That they are both there. I've got a "little devil" and a "little angel" side of me that promote healthy internal dialog to know when what I am doing is right or wrong. Many times I choose "wrong," but I becoming more aware of ways to make better choices and pick lesser wrongs and, occasionally, actual "rights."

Economics: My only debt is my house right now; I have an emergency safety net in the bank. I have a monthly budget. I am putting %6 away into a 401K. I am thankful that my employer treats me very well, paying me a good amount to do things I love and providing healthcare benefits as well.

Friends: I am thankful for discovering a variety of new friends, and rediscovering old ones in the last six months. I am thankful that I meet with these friends on a regular basis and have a terrific time.

My House: I am thankful to have a home that provides me so much space; it is tremendous to live in a quiet neighborhood.

Romance: I am thankful that I have a spouse who can be strong when I am weak, and whom I can be strong for when she is weak.

Got Inspiration?

2005-02-18T06:24:00.000-08:00

Nothing brings more satisfaction to me than to come to the rescue; to show off; to use my skills in such a way that impress and make someone's day.

Yesterday before my shift at work, I was writing (probably on this blog). A coworker was frustrated with a system change that had taken place over the previous evening. After fifteen minutes of voicing her anger and resentment (and apparently having been doing little else) I had devised a solution - walked over to her computer, had her execute my solution, and all was good with the universe once again. I was inspired as I got to flex my muscles in a manner of speaking.

(I wish I could say that I did this out of empathy, but truly I was getting bummed out myself listening to her and needed relief myself)

This story ties in well with something I read in the book "The Structure of Delight" yesterday as well. I'm not sure if I fully understand it; this is deep stuff, and as an agnostic I'm not sure of anything really. :) It talks about change, chaos and order. The author makes a profound point that I like very much, that change is not entropy (that is, orderliness to disorderliness) but one kind of order to another. A person may have better luck understanding the new order than relying on their own muscle to set things back to the way things were...

Fullness

2005-02-17T16:29:00.000-08:00

I feel so full inside,
when I think about the things I've missed -
unscathed - my existance is miraculous.

I feel the tears of joy well up,
when I think about those who've died -
gone and done - they've been all they could be.

I feel inspired,
when I feel all alone in a crowded room -
delusional - I imagine they might be looking for me..

The Beastman

2005-02-17T06:22:00.001-08:00

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."

Some of our deepest desires wallow with the carnal caustic beast; down beneath underneath. A longing cries out, muted by prison walls of civilized expectations. With savage howls, the beastman pines and laments at his confinement. He is heir to the throne become the second born son, the runt. For the good of the Kingdom, he must be laid impotent.

The Cannonball Run

2005-01-30T20:30:00.000-08:00

The Cannonball Run is a good funny movie depicting interesting "misfit" characters who are participating in an illegal 3000 mile race; and the misadventures and detours they take on while outsmarting the police and one another. These "cannonballers" are played by such interesting celebrities as Burt Reynolds, Roger Moore, Farah Fawcet, Dom Delouise, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and Tery Bradshaw (amongst many others). Although it was given a PG rating; I think today's standards would look at the hijenks they get into (especially all the drinking and driving that goes on) and put them in a PG-13 category; of course, saying that, if they were going to be in that category anyway the women in bikini's in the movie would probably be showing off even MORE skin, if that is possible without exposing the R-rated body parts!

Truth Idols

2005-01-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

A copy can be more perfect than an original; but only if it is not a perfect copy! When I use a copy machine on a pencil sketch I sometimes get a prettier "duplicate" than the original drawing. It is prettier because it is DIFFERENT.

The Calm

2005-01-27T06:15:00.000-08:00

Beneath the outer shell of hell lives the placid perfect peace. The contentment rests gently on its own; it is a slippery soap on a descending slope, so to protect it we grasp it, usually resulting in the peace bursting from our hands down the valley.

My Work Day

2005-01-25T11:20:00.000-08:00

I wake up to my dog Tiger at 3am. After letting him out and back, I toss and turn until at least 3:30 into a light sleep.

I wake up again at 4:30. At 5:30. At 5:55. I rub my wife's back.

A watch beeps at 6 and so I leap out of bed. I feed the dog. While I eat two or three bowls of cereal as part of my weight gain diet, I check out a quotes of the day web site.

By 7 my wife and I are in the car, driving to work. We listen to the morning morning crew with Captain Mike Casper until I change the station to the classical station. My wife says she likes classical music, but it must grow dull on her by the time she drops me off as the next day the station will again be with Mike and the mix morning crew.

By 7:15 I am at work. I review the tasks I have to do. I panic. I read my email. Add them to my to do list. I then pick someplace to begin and start at it; phone calls and emails interrupt my train of thought and often provoke a change in the focus of my work from moment to moment.

At 10:30 I take my first break of the day with two very nice coworkers. They are both very good listeners and, as they are older than me, provide a good example for me to follow. We walk outside down the green belt path, talking about safe subjects for the most part.

At 12:00 I work on my personal projects while having some lunch. All these projects include writing in some degree or another.

At 1:00 I return to work; at 3:30 I take my second break with the same coworkers as the first; again, outside for a fresh breath of air (though lately it has been inversion fog air).

Somewhere between 5 and 6 I clock out of work and do some more writing.

I am back home by 6:30. I spend five or ten minutes focusing on picking up the obvious eye sores in the living room or kitchen. Someone feeds Tiger. Someone lets Tiger out.

In the next few hours, in random order, I make some dinner, eat some dinner, find snacks to get my caloric intake up to my goal, I do 30-35 minutes on the cross trainer exercize device, and have watched at least an hour of television.

At 10 I brush teeth, take my blood-pressure reducing and mood-smoothing medications, and set down to sleep. By 12:30 I am actually asleep.

A Forrest of Trees

2005-01-25T11:11:00.000-08:00

I love trees. I'm not afraid of them one bit. To climb them all day would be a delight. They are so majestic; straight ones, bushy ones, even dead ones seem strong and stoic. The tree might make a great mentor for me. What a symbol of the inner me I wish I could be.

Trees, like humans, have layers in concentric rings. Every passage of life, to every season, there is a ring. Together, all of these rings make up the complete tree.

Quotes: Remember, a chip on the shoulder is a sure sign of wood higher up. Brigham Young

Promises that you make to yourself are often like the Japanese plum tree - they bear no fruit.
Francis Marion (1732 - 1795)

There's nothing that keeps its youth,So far as I know, but a tree and truth.
Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809 - 1894),

The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree. The gardener objected that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years. The Marshall replied, 'In that case, there is no time to lose; plant it this afternoon!'
John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

Trees like to have kids climb on them, but trees are much bigger than we are, and much more forgiving.
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, Old Tree, 1993

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who decided to stand their ground.

And this our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything.
Shakespeare

Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does.
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)